This last little bit of pregnancy has been difficult for me. Mentally my pregnancy was set to end at 38 weeks. As much as I have wanted to avoid comparing my two babies, as I fully believe they are two different beings and deserve to be treated as such, my only experience with pregnancy ended with an unexpected, early morning breaking of my water at 38 weeks and three days. On some level, I just assumed my body carried my babies until 38 weeks, not further. Yet, here I sit at 39 weeks and 5 days, still pregnant.
I fluctuate between a calm and a feeling of being okay waiting and a feeling of urgency, a need for my baby to arrive, a readiness. I also feel pressure from outside. I worry that my family has put their life on hold to be here. Even when they don't say it, I know they are waiting. It feels like everyone is looking to me as if I can determine when labor will begin. I feel like I don't know. I feel as if I have lost connection with my body, when I know I haven't, but rather there is no definite. Yet, for weeks I have fluctuated between feeling like labor is imminent and feeling like my baby will be with me for much longer.
With my first I didn't have the same sense of constant watching. Maybe it's because I was so focused on my physical pain, maybe it's because I had no prior experience, maybe it's because my son came earlier than I expected, maybe it's because I wasn't trying to coordinate how to take care of a toddler when I go into labor, or maybe it's a combination of them all.
Whatever the case, I find myself feeling on a different plane. I feel stuck in the in between. I want to be fully present for everyone in my life. I want to embrace and cherish these last days with my family as it is and these last days of my pregnancy, but I feel like I'm living in some sort of alternate reality--an in between.
I'm trying to embrace it. To let myself feel fully. To let go of the worry, the anticipation, the guessing. To stop thinking about the date every day and wondering how I can make that date fit into my love of numbers, connecting all the members of our family together. To not worry about anyone else. To fully trust my baby, myself, and this process. To sit in the discomfort. To stop analyzing everything that I feel and to believe that I will know when I am in labor. To trust it will all unfold even more perfectly that I can imagine. And to give myself permission to feel it all--to live in this in between.