My Little Secret

by Boon and Boys

I like to think that my son and I share a bond that no one else does. I look at him and am filled with love I can't explain. He feels like part of me and he once was. He grew inside of me and was formed within me. He contains part of my DNA and when I look at him I feel connected to him in a way that I think only a mother knows.

Announcing our pregnancy came in waves. First I told my husband, then I told my sister, after that we surprised our families, and lastly we announced our pregnancy to the world. There's always excitement in telling a new group. You know this exciting piece of information and know the news will bring others joy. At the same time, sometimes I like to reflect back on my little secret.

There was about a two hour window, maybe a little less when Henry was my little secret. When only I knew of his existence, before I even knew of him by name. A moment in time when he was just my baby and only I knew he was being formed. In one instance I learned about him and for that small window I had a little secret, a secret so big about something so small and yet so monumental.

I had taken my pregnancy test at my studio and immediately after getting a positive I had to go interact with my students and lead a class. I had to contain my excitement and calm my shaking body. I had to keep my mind focused on teaching when I just wanted to direct all my attention and energy to the life I had just learned about. I secretly placed my hands on my belly as I taught and thought about how I would share this little secret with my husband. But for that time he was my little secret.

After class I ran home and surprised my husband. He was on shock for he hadn't had the time to digest it. I was, of course, thrilled to tell him, but in that one moment Henry no longer was my little secret.

For almost nine months he was part of me and I felt connected to him in a way that no one else could, yet at times I feel nostalgic for even the shorter time in which I first discovered my world would be changing. The smallest moment that I shared with just my baby. Him dwelling in me and my knowing of his sweet life.