Can I be Mad at my Baby?

by Boon and Boys

Can I be mad at my baby? Does that make me a bad mom? Man, postpartum hormones are real. I've never fluctuated between happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed, joyful, tearful, every emotion I can think of so quickly. And, you add sleep deprivation to the equation and all bets are off.

Last night my husband and I got into our first fight. I was trying to help and whisked baby away after daddy had been changing his diapers and was going to feed him. I'm trying to help, but daddy feels like all he does is change diapers and I always get to comfort and feed Henry. That's the cliff notes version of what happened. The details don't matter, but because I panic at any hint of conflict or sign of disapproval, and because my hormones are raging, I felt devastated and scared and then for the first time angry at my baby. Derek was sitting there loving on and speaking with kind and gentle words to Henry while he was upset at me. It didn't feel fair. Why should Henry get his love and I get his anger? Again, rationally I know it's the hormones speaking, but emotionally I feel like Derek is choosing Henry over me and loves Henry more than me. Rightfully so he's not upset at Henry. Henry didn't do anything. And Derek isn't even mad at me. He just wants to love on our child and be a good father.

It's times like these when I have to cut all of us some slack. Derek just wants to be there for our son. I should be so lucky. Henry is in our world and we both love him so much that we are putting aside our own needs and comforts to care for him. He's showing us what unconditional love is. I am only one week postpartum, am sleep deprived, and am still learning. So no, I am not a bad mother for feeling mad. I must remember that we are all learning and growing together. We are a new family, and, just like Henry will one day start taking his first steps, falling along the way, but learning each time and getting more graceful, so are we taking our first steps as a family. We will get there. Yes there will be ups and downs, but my husband loves me, I love him, and we both love Henry. Together we will and can get through anything.