On the Eve of My Son's Birthday Month

by Lauren Matthies


Tomorrow marks the start of my son's birthday month.  My baby boy is going to be one year old in just 28 short days.  How I became the mother of a one year old I will never know.

This first year has been an eternity and a blink of an eye.  It seems like a lifetime ago that I was pregnant.  The intensity of the pain I felt has become weaker in my memory and the person I was before seems somehow foreign to me.  Yet, at the same time, I cannot believe I am about to have a toddler.  I still want to call him a newborn.  He will forever be my baby after all.

Time is funny like that.  It plays tricks on us.  It moves both fast and slow, yet it is also constant and steady.  It's so easy to see the way in which my baby has transformed over this year.  Looking back I don't believe he was ever as small as the pictures show.  Now he can wave, shake his head, and clap on command.  He walks with assistance and says "mama."  He's molded, and is continuing to mold, into such a fun, loving boy.  Although his changes may be more obvious, I am also a different person.  I have grown and evolved in these past 11 months in more ways that I probably realize.  I've become a mother, and that reality still catches me off guard at times.  How am I a mother when I still feel like my mother's baby girl?

As nostalgic as this landmark makes me feel, I am also excited.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch my son grow and to continue to grow myself.  I recognize how blessed I am to have a child to call my own.  What a privileged life I lead.  These past few days I felt waves of emotion.  I remember the immense love I felt for my son the second he was placed on my chest (a feeling I wish wouldn't fade with time's passing), but as strong as that love was, it has managed to grow.  I look at him, especially when he is asleep in my arms, and am speechless.  There are no words to describe the magnitude of the love I feel for him.  He is perfection.  I adore him.  I know that I would do absolutely anything for him.

 I also feel an incredible pressure to nurture this life.  I have a responsibility to help him evolve into the man he is destined to be and a man that will make a positive impact in this world.  I pray that I am equipped to be his mother, and I thank God for trusting me with this most precious life.