First Trip Away from Baby

by Lauren Matthies


Today is Henry's due date.  He's officially been with us for 11 days.  I can't believe it.  Time has flown and crawled at the same time.  Our days and nights all run together and I've forgotten about most everything outside of our small world.  The person I was 12 days ago is completely different than the person I am today.

Today was also my first day to drive since having Henry, and my first time away from my baby boy.  I got a modified massage today (which was amazing!  I told the woman that I would be wearing some small workout shorts during it because I still have my Depends on due to the amount of blood I am still expelling.  I also told her that I prefered to lay on my back the whole time and have her work on my upper and lower body leaving my mid section mostly undisturbed.  The amount of knots in my neck and shoulders was crazy.  It felt wonderful to get some relief!)  While I was gone, daddy and Henry had their first bonding time without me.  I left both of them sleeping, but according to daddy, Henry woke the second I left.  He always seems to sense my presence, or lack there of.

Right before I walked out the door I said a small prayer outloud.  I asked God to protect the three of us while we were apart.  A couple times throughout the massage I said a quick prayer and sent positive thoughts to my boys at home.  What I didn't anticipate was the emotion I felt being away from my son for the first time.  As I lay on the massage table waiting for my masseuse to come in, I put my hands on my belly.  My belly was small, soft, and empty.  My baby was no longer there.  The little life that has been with me every single moment for the last 9 months was gone and I was alone.  I was completely by myself in that room.  I started to tear up as I missed by baby.  I missed having him inside of me and holding him in my arms.  I missed feeling his skin against mine, knowing that we are both so in love with each other.  I missed being able to protect him and feel the warmth of his body and feel the signs of life coming from his sweet self.  It surprised me how much it felt like part of me was missing with him gone.

Throughout the massage I had to keep my mind away from those thoughts.  I knew that if I let myself go down that path I would start crying.  I am so glad that Derek and Henry got to bond, and I'm grateful that I took time to care for myself so that I can better care for both of my boys.  I love that I love Henry so much that part of me longs for him when he is gone, just like he is only completely content when I am nearby.  Motherhood embodies a bond that I never fully understood.  There is something so spiritual about the relationship between mother and child and I am grateful to be able to experience it, especially in time for my first Mother's Day tomorrow.